what's this?!

oh wow, completely forgot about this blog for like four months!

sorry about that :3

anyway uh, i'm back at home and have been since mid october. it's okay for now, i suppose. my mum and i aren't fighting much and me and my sisters get on 95% of the time. not much about how i live my life has changed, i'm just doing it somewhere else.

all the same, i really want to be gone again. i have literally no money right now (cause i spent it all on christmas presents), but there's a possibility that i'll be moving to feilding with nadia, breandan and isaac, which is fantastic. so i need to work to get a bond for the flat, and also find a job. shouldn't be too difficult...

I'm unhappy and I miss my friends and I've put on weight and my clothes suck and I hate university and my mum hates me and I'm anti-social and everything SUCKS.
UGH
Sorry, but I need to rant a little.
I'm writing this really long essay that's nowhere near finished and it's just pissing me off a lot... :(

Sad Life Happenings

Some bad things have been happening.

• First of all, my mum and I had a fight over something selfish and horrible I did to her. I'm not going to say what it was.. I know it was bad, but at the time I didn't feel guilty. At all. I think that makes me a bad person; to have the ability to do something that will ultimitly shake my mother's trust in me even more, and yet not feel remorse, even after she finds out.
  I didn't try to explain to her why I did it either. I know that it made me feel a little better after going through crap with uni, but that wouldn't have been reason enough for her.
• My aunt, who lives in Arizona, committed suicide yesterday morning. I feel like I've already dealt with her death and moved on. I barely knew her. The last time I saw her I was still living in Auckland, almost 10 years ago. I had no idea she was ill, because nobody bothered to tell me (even though at 18 I'm perfectly capable of understanding depression).

Apart from these two things, I still feel bad. I have exams in just over a week and I haven't started studying, and I don't feel any motivation to start any time soon. :/

In Spite of What I Said Before...

I still really don't want to leave. Like Chrissy said, it's awesome here for the atmosphere, and I love Wellington and the city and the people I live with and everything EXCEPT actually doing work. I don't want to fail. I don't want to drop out. I want to keep at it, I just wish I knew how to balance everything, because I've never done it before and I don't have the willpower :/

Unmotivated.

I feel like such an idiot. Why did I wait until now to start thinking about studying? My first exam is in less than 2 weeks, and I still need to get all the notes I've missed, and go over everything I already have. This is ridiculous. Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered with university. I could have worked all this year and gone travelling, I could have done something easier, something achievable. Instead I'm here, where I want to be, but where I don't really belong. It's a waste of money. I already have a debt upwards of 5000 dollars.
Instead of studying I spend my day, usually from 11am-11pm, reading, watching tv shows online, blogging and walking around the city. I should be making notes, making flashcards, drawing up study plans... I need to fix this now. Or maybe tomorrow...

ahhh kinda fucked up my sleeping pattern again :(

night before last i didn't sleep, and stayed up all day yesterday. i went to bed at around 6.30pm, and then woke up today at 5.30. my lecture wasn't until 12pm so i decided to take a little nap at around 7am until 9am, but i didn't actually wake up until 6pm. so, i slept for 24 hours, which is completely fucked up :/

Update

Woah, it's been a while since I last wrote. Nothing to write about really. Still having problems with school, friends, self... nothing new.

Well, maybe a couple of things.

I've finally made some friends. I doubted my ability to get along with anyone here before, but I realised that I just needed to give it time. I've met some lovely, interesting people since those times, and I know now that I didn't need to worry. In saying that, I should also mention that I miss my friends back home and elsewhere more than ever.

School is more of a problem, if anything. I've been kicked out of my history course because I missed one too many tutorials. I had a little breakdown, tried to fix it, and failed, and now I'm quite concerned for the future of my education. If I don't get enough points this year, then next year at uni will be a no go for me, and I don't even know if I can do well enough with just 6 courses, when most people are doing 7 or 8.

So I may have to take an extra filler course next trimester, bringing my total to five. I'll handle it. Somehow.

I'm still not eating right, spending all my money too quickly, shutting myself in my room for days at a time, not going to class, staying up until 7am and waking at 2pm, shirking my resposibilities and ignoring my assignments. I need to fix these things ASAP. I hope it's not too late.

But we'll see how that goes.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure that I have a cold.

x