Sad Life Happenings

Some bad things have been happening.

• First of all, my mum and I had a fight over something selfish and horrible I did to her. I'm not going to say what it was.. I know it was bad, but at the time I didn't feel guilty. At all. I think that makes me a bad person; to have the ability to do something that will ultimitly shake my mother's trust in me even more, and yet not feel remorse, even after she finds out.
  I didn't try to explain to her why I did it either. I know that it made me feel a little better after going through crap with uni, but that wouldn't have been reason enough for her.
• My aunt, who lives in Arizona, committed suicide yesterday morning. I feel like I've already dealt with her death and moved on. I barely knew her. The last time I saw her I was still living in Auckland, almost 10 years ago. I had no idea she was ill, because nobody bothered to tell me (even though at 18 I'm perfectly capable of understanding depression).

Apart from these two things, I still feel bad. I have exams in just over a week and I haven't started studying, and I don't feel any motivation to start any time soon. :/

In Spite of What I Said Before...

I still really don't want to leave. Like Chrissy said, it's awesome here for the atmosphere, and I love Wellington and the city and the people I live with and everything EXCEPT actually doing work. I don't want to fail. I don't want to drop out. I want to keep at it, I just wish I knew how to balance everything, because I've never done it before and I don't have the willpower :/

Unmotivated.

I feel like such an idiot. Why did I wait until now to start thinking about studying? My first exam is in less than 2 weeks, and I still need to get all the notes I've missed, and go over everything I already have. This is ridiculous. Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered with university. I could have worked all this year and gone travelling, I could have done something easier, something achievable. Instead I'm here, where I want to be, but where I don't really belong. It's a waste of money. I already have a debt upwards of 5000 dollars.
Instead of studying I spend my day, usually from 11am-11pm, reading, watching tv shows online, blogging and walking around the city. I should be making notes, making flashcards, drawing up study plans... I need to fix this now. Or maybe tomorrow...