In Spite of What I Said Before...

I still really don't want to leave. Like Chrissy said, it's awesome here for the atmosphere, and I love Wellington and the city and the people I live with and everything EXCEPT actually doing work. I don't want to fail. I don't want to drop out. I want to keep at it, I just wish I knew how to balance everything, because I've never done it before and I don't have the willpower :/

Unmotivated.

I feel like such an idiot. Why did I wait until now to start thinking about studying? My first exam is in less than 2 weeks, and I still need to get all the notes I've missed, and go over everything I already have. This is ridiculous. Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered with university. I could have worked all this year and gone travelling, I could have done something easier, something achievable. Instead I'm here, where I want to be, but where I don't really belong. It's a waste of money. I already have a debt upwards of 5000 dollars.
Instead of studying I spend my day, usually from 11am-11pm, reading, watching tv shows online, blogging and walking around the city. I should be making notes, making flashcards, drawing up study plans... I need to fix this now. Or maybe tomorrow...

ahhh kinda fucked up my sleeping pattern again :(

night before last i didn't sleep, and stayed up all day yesterday. i went to bed at around 6.30pm, and then woke up today at 5.30. my lecture wasn't until 12pm so i decided to take a little nap at around 7am until 9am, but i didn't actually wake up until 6pm. so, i slept for 24 hours, which is completely fucked up :/

Update

Woah, it's been a while since I last wrote. Nothing to write about really. Still having problems with school, friends, self... nothing new.

Well, maybe a couple of things.

I've finally made some friends. I doubted my ability to get along with anyone here before, but I realised that I just needed to give it time. I've met some lovely, interesting people since those times, and I know now that I didn't need to worry. In saying that, I should also mention that I miss my friends back home and elsewhere more than ever.

School is more of a problem, if anything. I've been kicked out of my history course because I missed one too many tutorials. I had a little breakdown, tried to fix it, and failed, and now I'm quite concerned for the future of my education. If I don't get enough points this year, then next year at uni will be a no go for me, and I don't even know if I can do well enough with just 6 courses, when most people are doing 7 or 8.

So I may have to take an extra filler course next trimester, bringing my total to five. I'll handle it. Somehow.

I'm still not eating right, spending all my money too quickly, shutting myself in my room for days at a time, not going to class, staying up until 7am and waking at 2pm, shirking my resposibilities and ignoring my assignments. I need to fix these things ASAP. I hope it's not too late.

But we'll see how that goes.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure that I have a cold.

x

Sins

I fucking hate that I can't control how jealous I get sometime. Even two months later I'm still hung up on what happened between James and I. I don't even have feelings for him, I just wish I could stop thinking about it and feeling so awkward around him. I haven't even been to dinner since I got back 5 days ago because he might be there, and there are so little people around now that I can't really ignore him.

I may have checked Sloth on that Facebook quiz thing, and it's true, but really I'm guilty of all of them.

Sloth, because I put off my work as often as I can, I don't look after myself & I sleep in hours past I'm supposed to.

Envy, which I feel whenever I see a girl prettier than me or with better clothes than me or with a talent that I could never hope to have or ever be bothered to work for.

Lust, which never really goes away. Because I'm a teenage girl and I'm surrounded with people I can't have.

Gluttony, because I love food more than most people.

Wrath, because even the tiniest things anger me, especially the things that don't really matter. Thinks links to Envy too.

Greed, because I'm never completely happy with what I have.

Pride, because I feel superior when I get a better grade than someone, even people I consider friends.

And today on the street the old Jesus-loving bible-basher that stands on Lambton Quay everyday, without fail, called me a sinner and told me I'm going to hell. And maybe I am.

Ouch

That awful feeling you get when you message someone you haven't spoken to in months to say you miss them, and instead of getting a message back that says they miss you too, they say "of course you miss me" and don't message you again.

FML.

I changed my mind.

Probably a good thing, too.

Also I'm kinda pissed off. What exactly is the point in telling someone they can come to the movies with you, then not replying for ages, and then finally messaging saying they're already in town? I had already specified that I would need a ride if I were to go anywhere, so yeah, thanks for getting my hopes up. I'm all alone here at home and my friends are going off doing things without me. I'm only here until Tuesday. JFC.

Anyway. I really hope I can figure out some way to see Nadia before I go, because I haven't seen her in ages.