what's this?!

oh wow, completely forgot about this blog for like four months!

sorry about that :3

anyway uh, i'm back at home and have been since mid october. it's okay for now, i suppose. my mum and i aren't fighting much and me and my sisters get on 95% of the time. not much about how i live my life has changed, i'm just doing it somewhere else.

all the same, i really want to be gone again. i have literally no money right now (cause i spent it all on christmas presents), but there's a possibility that i'll be moving to feilding with nadia, breandan and isaac, which is fantastic. so i need to work to get a bond for the flat, and also find a job. shouldn't be too difficult...

I'm unhappy and I miss my friends and I've put on weight and my clothes suck and I hate university and my mum hates me and I'm anti-social and everything SUCKS.
UGH
Sorry, but I need to rant a little.
I'm writing this really long essay that's nowhere near finished and it's just pissing me off a lot... :(

Sad Life Happenings

Some bad things have been happening.

• First of all, my mum and I had a fight over something selfish and horrible I did to her. I'm not going to say what it was.. I know it was bad, but at the time I didn't feel guilty. At all. I think that makes me a bad person; to have the ability to do something that will ultimitly shake my mother's trust in me even more, and yet not feel remorse, even after she finds out.
  I didn't try to explain to her why I did it either. I know that it made me feel a little better after going through crap with uni, but that wouldn't have been reason enough for her.
• My aunt, who lives in Arizona, committed suicide yesterday morning. I feel like I've already dealt with her death and moved on. I barely knew her. The last time I saw her I was still living in Auckland, almost 10 years ago. I had no idea she was ill, because nobody bothered to tell me (even though at 18 I'm perfectly capable of understanding depression).

Apart from these two things, I still feel bad. I have exams in just over a week and I haven't started studying, and I don't feel any motivation to start any time soon. :/

In Spite of What I Said Before...

I still really don't want to leave. Like Chrissy said, it's awesome here for the atmosphere, and I love Wellington and the city and the people I live with and everything EXCEPT actually doing work. I don't want to fail. I don't want to drop out. I want to keep at it, I just wish I knew how to balance everything, because I've never done it before and I don't have the willpower :/

Unmotivated.

I feel like such an idiot. Why did I wait until now to start thinking about studying? My first exam is in less than 2 weeks, and I still need to get all the notes I've missed, and go over everything I already have. This is ridiculous. Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered with university. I could have worked all this year and gone travelling, I could have done something easier, something achievable. Instead I'm here, where I want to be, but where I don't really belong. It's a waste of money. I already have a debt upwards of 5000 dollars.
Instead of studying I spend my day, usually from 11am-11pm, reading, watching tv shows online, blogging and walking around the city. I should be making notes, making flashcards, drawing up study plans... I need to fix this now. Or maybe tomorrow...

ahhh kinda fucked up my sleeping pattern again :(

night before last i didn't sleep, and stayed up all day yesterday. i went to bed at around 6.30pm, and then woke up today at 5.30. my lecture wasn't until 12pm so i decided to take a little nap at around 7am until 9am, but i didn't actually wake up until 6pm. so, i slept for 24 hours, which is completely fucked up :/

Update

Woah, it's been a while since I last wrote. Nothing to write about really. Still having problems with school, friends, self... nothing new.

Well, maybe a couple of things.

I've finally made some friends. I doubted my ability to get along with anyone here before, but I realised that I just needed to give it time. I've met some lovely, interesting people since those times, and I know now that I didn't need to worry. In saying that, I should also mention that I miss my friends back home and elsewhere more than ever.

School is more of a problem, if anything. I've been kicked out of my history course because I missed one too many tutorials. I had a little breakdown, tried to fix it, and failed, and now I'm quite concerned for the future of my education. If I don't get enough points this year, then next year at uni will be a no go for me, and I don't even know if I can do well enough with just 6 courses, when most people are doing 7 or 8.

So I may have to take an extra filler course next trimester, bringing my total to five. I'll handle it. Somehow.

I'm still not eating right, spending all my money too quickly, shutting myself in my room for days at a time, not going to class, staying up until 7am and waking at 2pm, shirking my resposibilities and ignoring my assignments. I need to fix these things ASAP. I hope it's not too late.

But we'll see how that goes.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure that I have a cold.

x

Sins

I fucking hate that I can't control how jealous I get sometime. Even two months later I'm still hung up on what happened between James and I. I don't even have feelings for him, I just wish I could stop thinking about it and feeling so awkward around him. I haven't even been to dinner since I got back 5 days ago because he might be there, and there are so little people around now that I can't really ignore him.

I may have checked Sloth on that Facebook quiz thing, and it's true, but really I'm guilty of all of them.

Sloth, because I put off my work as often as I can, I don't look after myself & I sleep in hours past I'm supposed to.

Envy, which I feel whenever I see a girl prettier than me or with better clothes than me or with a talent that I could never hope to have or ever be bothered to work for.

Lust, which never really goes away. Because I'm a teenage girl and I'm surrounded with people I can't have.

Gluttony, because I love food more than most people.

Wrath, because even the tiniest things anger me, especially the things that don't really matter. Thinks links to Envy too.

Greed, because I'm never completely happy with what I have.

Pride, because I feel superior when I get a better grade than someone, even people I consider friends.

And today on the street the old Jesus-loving bible-basher that stands on Lambton Quay everyday, without fail, called me a sinner and told me I'm going to hell. And maybe I am.

Ouch

That awful feeling you get when you message someone you haven't spoken to in months to say you miss them, and instead of getting a message back that says they miss you too, they say "of course you miss me" and don't message you again.

FML.

I changed my mind.

Probably a good thing, too.

Also I'm kinda pissed off. What exactly is the point in telling someone they can come to the movies with you, then not replying for ages, and then finally messaging saying they're already in town? I had already specified that I would need a ride if I were to go anywhere, so yeah, thanks for getting my hopes up. I'm all alone here at home and my friends are going off doing things without me. I'm only here until Tuesday. JFC.

Anyway. I really hope I can figure out some way to see Nadia before I go, because I haven't seen her in ages.

I Have To Say SOMETHING...

It just doesn't seem fair, you not knowing.

I know I'm not imagining things either because this is a familiar feeling- it's the beginning. It's going to get more intense, and I'm going to hate myself for ignoring it. I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but no one's online.

I'm a bad, bad person.

Thoughts

This past weekend gave me a couple of things to think about, and I might have to change my perspective on some things and some people including myself.

I don't know...

I wish I didn't live so far away now. I miss everyone so much and I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things. I hate having to leave after having so much fun and knowing that it'll be weeks until I see everyone again and yet they all live minutes away from each other and when the holidays are over they'll be back at school and together again. Sometimes I really wish I'd been in the year below.

Wrote a post for my other blog so might as well write one for this one.

It seems to me that there haven't been a whole lot of times in my life when I'm not crushing on someone. Some have been intense and lengthy, some stupid, some short, some embarrassing. I don't have one now though. Sure, there are some people that I get along with and who I find attractive, but so far, nothing really. My only lovers now are food and the internet, and I don't care one bit.
Okay. Maybe a little bit.

I think I am a little afraid of committment, but hey, isn't everyone really? I just hope that mine isn't crippling. I don't want to be 30 and alone. Or 25 and alone. Or even 20 and alone.

Last Night

Finally got to drink again last night. I hadn't since o-week and I started getting really bored on weekends & a bit left out with all my floormates running around drunkenly while I'm in my room watching movies or on the internet.

At 8pmish last night my next door neighbour Emily invited me over to her room for her party. Her 16 year old sister & her friend Lucy were the only ones there at first but after half an hour or so a whole heap of people started arriving and soon enough the room was jam packed with people and very very warm. I stood outside in the corridor with Emily a few other people for some air, including the stalker, Owen, who randomly turned up with a plastic bag full of Canadian whisky.

To start with I'd had three cups of "electric blue" vodka + lemonade & then Owen gave me some whisky which actually wasn't that bad, and then he went back to 2nd floor to get his shots, one of which I had. They were Mango & Vodka or something and they made my mouth feel really weird.

Then some of the people started randomly leaving and then coming back so I stole a seat on the bed next to Owen and Emily and we sat there for a while, and then I started feeling really sick what with the drinking and the heat and I went to my room to lay down. That was at about 10.30. At 11ish I went to the bathroom and threw up, and I sat in there for an hour and a half until I felt able to stand & walk back to my room, where I promptly fell asleep. I woke again at 6am and then again at 11.40, which is when I got up & showered.

And because of all this I haven't started my Greek History essay, so I need to do that ASAP.

Looking On The + Side (most of the time)

I actually feel kind of bad right now, and left out. Yesterday night a whole bunch of people that I know and get along with went to the movies because they got free tickets, and I didn't go. I was planning on going on Saturday with some other people anyway but I just feel miserable because I didn't know such a large group was going & I wish I'd got in on it earlier and snagged a free spot. Mmost of them have already been now and I don't know if there's any point in going. So I spent my ticket money on junk food. And now I feel sick.
I really have to stop doing that.

On the plus side, because I got up at 9.30 this morning with little sleep during the night I am now tired enough to go to bed hopefully before 2am. I have three lectures tomorrow and then I can focus on writing my essay for Greek History & be all ready school wise to go home on Friday without feeling bad about procrastinating.

Also on the plus side I am 1200 pages through my 1300 page epic undertaking of reading The Stand for the second time.

And I went to all my lectures today. And passed my first essay with a pretty good mark.

And yep.
Bye x

Stalker Update

Oh, by the way, stalker guy has stopped inviting himself up to see me. I've talked to him on facebook chat a couple of times and I've found he's actually very easy to talk to.

... but in light of my last post I'd like to keep this on a strictly platonic level.

x

April 5th

I never becoming emotionally or physically invested in anyone ever again.
I don't even know why I care so much that he now has a girlfriend.
It was one night. I was drunk. We're not friends. I barely even know the guy.
But I just hate that feeling I get when I feel underappreciated, or that other people are better than me in any way.

Sometimes I just wish it hadn't happened. I hear people talking about how desperate a girl must be to get with a guy she doesn't know, and I know those comments aren't directed at me, but it really makes me feel bad. Regardless of how much I'd had to drink, I knew what was going to happen before I'd even had one cup of vodka- it was just obvious. You know how sometimes you just tell what someone's thinking? I'm actually quite proud of the way I can interpret people sometimes. Namely guys. Even when they're not being very obvious.

Ugh, I'm rambling.

Anyway. I'd better lie down in my bed of pain and read and then try to get some sleep. And try not to think too much.
Or maybe I'll get a sandwich.

Goodnight :) x

I Have A Stalker

I'm actually not kidding. There is a guy at my hall who wont stop messaging me.

I was randomly talking to him on one of my statuses yesterday and then he was like "is it ok if i come up to your room?" and I was like 'LOL NO FUCK OFF", which is a lie. I would have liked to say that. What I really said was "Um no I'm about to go to bed actually lol what a coincidence that I decided this right as you asked me that extremely creepy question." Anyway.

I saw him at dinner but we didn't speak and then if you are my friend on Facebook you can go on and see the message he sent me. Basically I haven't replied because I don't want him to know that I'm in my room in case he comes up. And if he messages me again tomorrow i'm going to pretend that I didn't see it because I didn't go on Facebook.

It's quite likely that I'm blowing this way way out of proportion but I don't think so. He has my cellphone number. He got it off Facebook, which I actually think is well creepy and presumptuous. Because who ever said I was going to give him my number anyway??

Christ.
I don't need any more friends. I have lots of good ones already and I think I'm done meeting people now.
That's a really weird thing to say but I don't care.
*Rose is awkward/paranoid blog 2k11.*

So long as one person is reading this, I'll keep posting :)

Welp

So is there actually a point in me writing this blog? I only started it because Jordan said I should. Not that I only do this because of what other people say- I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions. But anyway Jordan mentioned it and I thought "not a bad idea" and well here is my blog and four people know about it but is there actually a point when none of them have their own private blog. I don't care if you think it's weird that I think I should be exchanging my information for other people's, but there you go.

Should I keep writing, y/n?